Fitter, happier, more productive

I gave up New Year resolutions a long time ago. Come to think of it, every year I’d given up most of them a few seconds after the bells. A self-confessed chocolate addict and couch potato like me will never be able to summon the willpower to defeat the evils and excesses of modern living. Depression has a lot to do with it, and I should be grateful that the effects are mild in comparison with other sufferers, but what’s so difficult about seeing that something needs fixing and actually fixing it? Let’s examine some common resolutions, the problems with them and their chances of success (Y/N).

1. Lose weight: This depends on the next resolution. (20/80)
2. Eat less: I don’t eat much, but what I do eat is wrong. Constant comfort eating of industrial quantities of biscuits and cakes is not a good idea. (50/50)
3. Go to the gym: There are other ways to get exercise, but paying gym membership and not going is, in these austere times, downright stupid. Would I have gone over the holidays had the place been open? Now, there’s another question. (50/50).
4. Drink less: Less than the quantity I drink already? I probably drink less in an entire year than the average Glaswegian drinks in an hour on a Friday night. Anyway, I might need to develop an alcohol addiction if I’m off the biscuits. (No chance)
5. Work harder: In work? I think not. (No chance)
6. Write more: Of this? Probably. What do you mean ‘this doesn’t count’? (50/50)
7. Read more: This might help with a number of the above (particularly the number 6). (20/80)
8. Travel more: Money, time and the ability to slip off the chains; three things I rarely have at the same time. I had a mad idea earlier about visiting places beginning with the letter ‘B’. Does that mean I can’t go back to Llandudno? (40/60)
9. Be nice to people: In the last five years, I seem to have mastered the art of being nice to people I don’t even like. Even though I don’t mean it, I hope they appreciate the effort. (50/50)
10. Use Twitter less: Well, that’s a new one. I signed up for it a couple of years ago, but it took me until September 2011 to figure out how to use it. It’s great for sending rude messages to politicians or compliments to artistic types. The 140-character limit is a bummer, though. No, I’ll give it while longer before I pass judgement on it. (10/90)
11. Go out more: This means gigs, doesn’t it? It’s not as if I go anywhere else. Well, this is a difficult one. I’ve got a bit of a hearing problem (pardon?), due to going to gigs in the past; I want to punch anyone who talks at a gig; I’ve not been up late for years; I don’t want to meet anyone I know; I can’t handle the amount of laundry; too expensive, and so on. Enough excuses? I could be here all night at this rate. (20/80)
12. Count to ten.