No more nails

I’ve not done a match report for a while, so here goes.

Not long after Victor Wanyama’s powerful header yielded his third goal for the club, and Celtic’s second for the day, the game died. Samaras made a run up the left-wing, came inside and stopped as if he’d been frozen in time by an invisible beam emanating from a fiendish, one-eyed villain’s ray gun housed in a cloaked ship above the stadium. He barely moved for the remaining seventy minutes of the match. The most schizophrenic footballer ever to wear the Hoops continues to fail to confound expectations. What’s the betting that he’ll still be there when the Transfer Window closes in 16 days time? What have we done to deserve this?

Adam Matthews, who turned 20 on Friday, looked exhausted, and rarely made it to the byline, presumably paralysed with the fear that he’d not be able to return to his post in time to avert any danger posed by the opposition. I have poor eyesight, and don’t know the boy. Neil Lennon sees him at close quarters every day, yet not only decided to include him in the starting line-up, but also continued playing him when it was obvious to all and sundry that he was well below par. There was no point in alluding to his suffering from a virus in the post-match interview. His inclusion could have been a fatal mistake for Celtic who, yet again, tortured the home supporters within an inch of their lives with a nervy and mildly incompetent second-half performance, made worse by contrasting it with the scintillating display of Barca-style passing that characterised the first quarter of the game. It’s just as well we were up against Dundee United and not the Catalan masters.

Celtic is a club blessed with many right-backs, but only two are available, and Cha, for all his strength and stamina, can’t cross a ball to save himself. With Matthews’ lack of fitness, and the absence of James Forrest, there were limited chances of getting balls from the right into the box above or behind the effective but, ultimately, inflexible Gary Kenneth. Scott Brown possesses tenacity, and motivational skills, but is a poor substitute for a creative footballer. He also struggles when having to play the role of midfield enforcer that Beram Kayal has carved out for himself. Stokes and Hooper frequently were deprived of the necessary service from midfield and this led to seemingly constant frustration with each other and their colleagues.

Stokes’ head went down so much in the second half that he was substituted, not by the fit-again and much in need of a debut James Keatings, but by Ki, who is never going to be sufficiently consistent and convincing in the centre of midfield to command a regular place in the rough and tumble of the SPL. He slows the game down too much, the very thing Marc Crosas was criticised for, yet Neil insists on throwing him into games against teams with opportunist, whippet-like midfielders and wingers ready to pounce on one of his many stray passes. He even had a chance to get on the score sheet but squandered it by pausing long enough to allow the baby elephant Kenneth to take it off his toes.

On the left, Izzaguirre displayed his trademark coolness under pressure from the likes of Johnny Russell, but it’s clear that he needs more game time to get back to his best. He went off midway through the second half, making way for the returning Kris Commons, and both men received warm, enthusiastic ovations. This meant that Joe Ledley moved to left-back. Alarm bells were ringing, as he was also having an off day. Luckily enough, so were most of United’s players. With Forrest out, and Samaras asleep, we were also impotent on the left going forward, so it’s a miracle that we came away with a victory.

Both keepers made excellent and important saves, with Pernis’ efforts in thwarting Stokes and Samaras worthy of note, but it was another stupid goal that dented Forster’s hopes of emulating last season’s record clean-sheet count. John Rankin, he of ‘squiggler’ fame, hit one from about 30 yards that went in off the side of the post. The big goalie was visibly disappointed, and not least by the fact that no one closed down the one-trick pony former Hibee.

Hooper was given the Man of the Match award, presumably for his well-worked opening goal. Yet again, I find myself in disagreement with the nameless, faceless individual(s) responsible for making this decision. Clever readers and anyone knowing my views on the subject will know where this is going. In spite of a goal lost at home (which may have been avoided had the midfielders done their job), my favoured central-defensive partnership of last season, Rogne and Mulgrew, were immense throughout the game, and it is perhaps best for the team that their talents continue to be underestimated by outsiders. However, they are always appreciated by me, and for that reason, I award them both the accolade.

Finally, according to Neil, the pitch was a bit bobbly. Wasn’t it re-laid in July? Don’t we pay a load of money for a large ground staff and some grass-nurturing contraption? If this is the best pitch in Scottish football, God help the rest of the clubs.