Nightmare on Kerrydale Street

It was a dark and stormy night afternoon. It was Halloween weekend (no day is ever alone with rampant consumerism). I saw the Pope, some nuns, a couple of Scooby Doos, a (solitary) 118 and what may or may not have been a panda. Hibernian came as Parma Violets. Celtic masqueraded as a football team. I discovered that time travel is not a thing of Science Fiction or Fantasy; it’s reality, and I’ve just gone back two years.

Last Sunday, Aberdeen came to town. In the equivalent fixture last season, in the presence of Henrik Larsson (King of Kings), Chris Sutton and Lubomir Moravcik, Celtic trounced the Dons 9-0. The crowd chanted ‘we want ten’ and it wouldn’t have taken a gargantuan effort to give the people what they wanted, but the job was done. We all went home elated but under no illusion that we would see anything like that again in our lifetimes. The dismal Mark McGhee limped on for another couple of games before being sacked, and so began the Craig Brown era. Under old Werther’s Originals, Aberdeen FC has hardly set the heather on fire. They’ve learned, as all his teams do, to defend to the point of boredom (and put in the occasional nasty tackle), but they haven’t exactly improved since McGhee’s time. They did, however, win the second half of last season’s League Cup semi-final (well, he is 70, isn’t he?). Celtic put something like 21 goals past the Dons’ keeper last season but we have only managed three in two games this term. After going ahead through a goal from Ki, some amateurish defending allowed Aberdeen back into the game. It took a strike from captain for the day, Charlie Mulgrew, scoring his first Celtic goal at Parkhead, to restore our advantage, but at no time did we look like we were safe. There was even a Halloween prequel, and Steven Moffat couldn’t have come up with a scarier scenario; Glenn Loovens being substituted early on by Daniel Majstorovic. We held on, though and at least there was no post-Europa League slip-up. The league leaders drew at home, so the status quo was maintained.

On Wednesday night, in the League Cup Quarter-Final tie at Easter Road, Celtic went behind and (to all accounts) were lucky not to be down by three or four at half-time. A spirited fight-back resulted in a 4-1 win, but it appears to have come at a cost. If Neil Lennon were to take a seat in the Directors’ box, would he be able to see what I, and many others, can see? It’s not just the ever-growing injury list, and a host of off-form or inept players, it’s the jaded look and the tired legs of men who are being expected to do everything twice a week with no help whatsoever. Joe Ledley, 19-year-old Adam Matthews and James Forrest, who only turned 20 in the summer, are being relied upon too much because of a paucity of talent, heart and endeavour in our current match-day squad. Another 19-year old, new signing Victor Wanyama, has put in a couple of good performances, particularly in the Europa League games in which he has featured, and looks like he could be of use, but apart from them and Charlie Mulgrew, few other players have been what I could call ‘first on the team sheet’.

Gary Hooper is starting to resemble Scott McDonald (who is not a first choice for Tony Mowbray’s revitalised Middlesbrough) and Anthony Stokes is half the player he was last season (which means he’s quarter of the player he should be). As I have said before, Ki should never be a regular starter; Kayal, in particular, is missing Scott Brown and I have finally realised what is ailing Mark Wilson: Dennis Hopper has strapped a bomb to him - if he exceeds two miles an hour, one of his knees will explode! Then there’s Kris Commons: mystery injuries, strange Twitter messages - what’s going on? The team is comprised of (mostly) the same players from last season, so why, apart from there never being the same line-up twice, is there no consistency in performance (apart from their inconsistency which, you have to admit, is consistent)? With seven minutes of regulation time left, there came the last act of a desperate man; Samaras on for Hooper, the same Samaras that Neil said could get him the sack. This time, the Greek was far from top of a very long list.

The sickening thing about today is that a team that has lost stupid goals all season keeps a clean sheet (Big Dan take note) but can’t win the game against a poor Hibs side. I could take it if we were losing to, or drawing with, the likes of Manchester City, or the entertaining and cavalier Norwich City, or even Mowbray’s Boro, but we are doing nothing less than making some of the worst excuses for football teams look so much better than they really are. This coming Thursday, Celtic play Rennes in the Europa League, but next Sunday (eek), they’ll go to Fir Park at lunchtime (double eek) to face in-form Motherwell (triple eek?). The omens are not good. If, God forbid, those Swiss clowns get back into what has been, for Celtic, a curse of a tournament, there will be at least two more games for a team that can barely cope with the ones they have to play domestically.

Last season, Celtic came within a whisker (one goal, for or against, actually) of winning the SPL. They had the best defensive record of any senior, professional team in the entire United Kingdom (and Celtic fan Steve Evans’ Crawley Town). This season, they have lost NINE away goals in the league, alone, and have won only 7 out of 12 SPL matches. The buck stops with the manager. Neil Lennon, the Celtic board and the fans must realise that he is one league defeat away from parting company with the club he loves. Celtic have to win EVERY remaining league game, some very handsomely, in order to win the title. Current, and recent, form suggests that this is beyond both the manager and the players. Stranger things have happened, however, and Celtic’s history is full of tales of derring-do in the face of adversity, but it’s hard to ‘keep the faith’ when sitting in the pouring rain watching THAT, like I did today. Prior to the match there was some protest or other against the Scottish Government’s ‘Offensive Behaviour at Football Matches’ legislation, or whatever it’s called. Talk elsewhere is of our city rivals possibly going into administration and the consequent docking of points (trust me, no harsh, meaningful sanction would ever be taken against them). I think that some people are too easily distracted from the problems that are right in front of their faces, week-in and week-out.